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Funny Instruction Labels

Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods:

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert:
(printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)
(Whose body?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if
we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm...something must have gotten lost in the
translation...)

On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)

On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this...)

Divert Your Course

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call!

Passwords

A woman was helping her computer-illiterate husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, she told him he would now need to choose and enter a password. Something he will use to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in,

"p..e..n..i..s".

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH.

Italian nuns

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter.

He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.

"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

He reads the paper and starts laughing.

He hands it back to her and says....

"No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

20 years

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a large tumbler of scotch in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his drink.
"What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his drink, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
"Yes I do" she replies. The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father, the cop, caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued, "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?
"I remember that too", she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said..."I would have gotten out today."

in Swedish Intelligenstestet i regeringen

Göran Persson reser till Washington för ett möte med George Bush.

Efter att de har ätit middag säger Bush:
"Well Goran, I don't know what you think of the members of your cabinet,but mine are all bright and brilliant." How do you know?" frågar Persson.
"Oh well, It's simple", säger Bush. "They all have to take special test before they can be a minister, wait a second."
Han vinkar till sig Colin Powell och frågar honom: "Tell me Colin, who is the child of your father and mother who isn't your brother or sister?" "Ah it's simple, Mr President", svarar Powell, "It's me!" " Well done,Colin", säger Bush och Persson är mäkta imponerad. Efter att samtalen avslutats åker vår vän Persson tillbaka till Stockholm igen. På flyget hem sitter han och tänker på intelligensnivån bland de svenska ministrarna i regeringen.

Väl hemkommen ringer han till Björn Rosengren och ber honom komma in på Perssons kontorsrum. Rosengren gör som han som bestämmer och infinner sig på kontoret omgående.
"Björn", säger Persson med en lurig ton på rösten. "Säg mig; vem är barn till din mor och din far, men inte din bror och inte din syster? " Rosengren tänker, tänker och tänker men kan inte komma på svaret.
"Kan jag få ytterligare lite betänketid?", Säger Rosengren. "Du får 24 timmar", säger Persson. Rosengren går tillbaka till kontoret och tänker så det knakar. Efter att ha grubblat en stund kallar han in Mona med guldkortet och sin stab. Han lägger fram problemställningen för dem men ingen kan komma på lösningen. Efter att 20 av de 24 timmarna har gått börjar Rosengren få panik. Ingen har hittills kommit på svaret och sömnlöst grubblande får han en idé. Han ska ställa frågan till Bosse Ringholm, den smartaste i regeringen enligt Rosengren. Han ringer till finansdepartementet och får tag på Ringholm som sitter och busringer till Riksrevisionsverket. "Bosse, du måste hjälpa mig", säger Rosengren. "Göran har gett mig en sån där nästan olöslig fråga igen och nu tror jag att min ministerpost står på spel". "Hur lyder frågan?", Säger Ringholm och Rosengren ställer den: "Vem är barn till din mor och din far, men inte din syster och inte din bror?" "Enkelt", svarar Ringholm. "Det är ju jag!"
"Ja, självklart", säger Rosengren som nu löper över till Göran Persson och redan i korridoren ropar han "Göran, nu har jag svaret!" "Det är Bosse Ringholm."

Med förnöjsam blick sätter han sig ned i besöksfåtöljen framför Persson.
Statsministern tittar med en trött och sorgsen blick på Rosengren. "Det var synd det här Björn, men svaret är fel." "Rätt svar ska vara Colin Powell".


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